1
00:00:00,598 --> 00:00:03,681
(somber piano music)

2
00:00:05,120 --> 00:00:07,370
(applause)

3
00:00:13,310 --> 00:00:16,130
- I have been on this
stage quite a few times

4
00:00:16,130 --> 00:00:17,340
over the last few years,

5
00:00:17,340 --> 00:00:19,510
in front of a crowd a lot like you all.

6
00:00:19,510 --> 00:00:20,510
The only difference,

7
00:00:20,510 --> 00:00:21,600
and yes, before you ask,

8
00:00:21,600 --> 00:00:23,120
that does include the clothes,

9
00:00:23,120 --> 00:00:25,713
is that I usually have
my French Horn with me.

10
00:00:26,999 --> 00:00:29,130
That round, shiny thing
I usually get to use

11
00:00:29,130 --> 00:00:31,050
to distract you all with (laughs).

12
00:00:31,050 --> 00:00:33,130
My instrument and music has become

13
00:00:33,130 --> 00:00:35,610
such an important part of my identity

14
00:00:35,610 --> 00:00:37,080
and existence that I had no idea

15
00:00:37,080 --> 00:00:38,740
how to approach going up on a stage

16
00:00:38,740 --> 00:00:40,830
and not playing Mozart.

17
00:00:40,830 --> 00:00:41,740
There was some relief,

18
00:00:41,740 --> 00:00:44,053
but mostly panic was settling in.

19
00:00:44,890 --> 00:00:46,670
They've taught me about stage presence

20
00:00:46,670 --> 00:00:49,630
but not so much about public
speaking in music school.

21
00:00:49,630 --> 00:00:51,279
But here we are,

22
00:00:51,279 --> 00:00:52,440
it's probably almost a minute in,

23
00:00:52,440 --> 00:00:53,868
and I think it's

24
00:00:53,868 --> 00:00:55,970
going well so far (laughs).
- (laughter)

25
00:00:55,970 --> 00:00:57,360
So when it came down to it,

26
00:00:57,360 --> 00:00:59,040
I thought it would be best to take you

27
00:00:59,040 --> 00:01:00,400
on a journey through my life

28
00:01:00,400 --> 00:01:03,580
the way I would take you
on a journey through music.

29
00:01:03,580 --> 00:01:04,590
I'm standing here tonight,

30
00:01:04,590 --> 00:01:07,810
so I can promise you that
there is a happy ending.

31
00:01:07,810 --> 00:01:11,200
I was born into a very
strict, religious household.

32
00:01:11,200 --> 00:01:13,470
Specifically Jehovah's Witness.

33
00:01:13,470 --> 00:01:15,540
My single, immigrant mother had the job

34
00:01:15,540 --> 00:01:16,990
of raising three children

35
00:01:16,990 --> 00:01:19,510
in a country she hardly
knew how to navigate.

36
00:01:19,510 --> 00:01:20,840
But even though we grew up poor

37
00:01:20,840 --> 00:01:22,720
and lacking a lot of resources,

38
00:01:22,720 --> 00:01:24,780
she was able to form a loving community

39
00:01:24,780 --> 00:01:26,770
through her religion that
taught us a great deal

40
00:01:26,770 --> 00:01:29,860
about discipline and being model citizens;

41
00:01:29,860 --> 00:01:33,400
but there were conditions to
being a part of that world.

42
00:01:33,400 --> 00:01:36,330
They had very clear rules
and sort of expectations

43
00:01:36,330 --> 00:01:38,800
that you had to abide
by to reap any, if all,

44
00:01:38,800 --> 00:01:42,260
of the benefits; something
I had no problem doing

45
00:01:42,260 --> 00:01:45,290
until I began to discover who I was.

46
00:01:45,290 --> 00:01:47,490
Around 12 years old, like most kids,

47
00:01:47,490 --> 00:01:50,110
I had developed my first crush.

48
00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:51,750
I had just started the sixth grade

49
00:01:51,750 --> 00:01:53,810
and I couldn't wait for band.

50
00:01:53,810 --> 00:01:55,750
Both my siblings are
musicians and had piqued

51
00:01:55,750 --> 00:01:57,750
my interest about music.

52
00:01:57,750 --> 00:01:59,400
Band finally came around

53
00:01:59,400 --> 00:02:01,000
and as we were choosing our instruments

54
00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:03,410
I turned around and there he was,

55
00:02:03,410 --> 00:02:05,390
our bass clarinet player.

56
00:02:05,390 --> 00:02:06,840
Cute right?

57
00:02:06,840 --> 00:02:08,010
Now I think so,

58
00:02:08,010 --> 00:02:10,870
but back then I was mortified.

59
00:02:10,870 --> 00:02:13,590
My whole world came crashing
down in about two seconds

60
00:02:13,590 --> 00:02:15,180
on my first day of middle school.

61
00:02:15,180 --> 00:02:17,000
I couldn't be gay.

62
00:02:17,000 --> 00:02:18,670
I read the Bible every day.

63
00:02:18,670 --> 00:02:21,350
I prayed at least seven times a day.

64
00:02:21,350 --> 00:02:23,170
I went to church three
to four days a week.

65
00:02:23,170 --> 00:02:25,250
I preached door to door every weekend.

66
00:02:25,250 --> 00:02:26,833
I wasn't allowed to be gay.

67
00:02:26,833 --> 00:02:29,540
That wasn't supposed to
be in the cards for me.

68
00:02:29,540 --> 00:02:31,580
I felt like the universe
had just ripped the rug

69
00:02:31,580 --> 00:02:33,640
out right from underneath me.

70
00:02:33,640 --> 00:02:36,760
I was on the floor,
and I needed to get up.

71
00:02:36,760 --> 00:02:38,760
So like any sensible person would do,

72
00:02:38,760 --> 00:02:41,150
I started reading the
Bible twice a day (laughs),

73
00:02:41,150 --> 00:02:42,920
I started praying 14 times a day.

74
00:02:42,920 --> 00:02:44,960
I started going to door to door

75
00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:46,940
during the week after school.

76
00:02:46,940 --> 00:02:48,350
I was in a full blown panic mode

77
00:02:48,350 --> 00:02:50,850
trying to create an impenetrable shield

78
00:02:50,850 --> 00:02:52,443
where I could hide the
fact, even from myself,

79
00:02:52,443 --> 00:02:55,253
that I was what they
called an abomination.

80
00:02:56,130 --> 00:02:57,230
Nobody could find out.

81
00:02:58,260 --> 00:03:00,710
As the year went on, I
fell in love with band,

82
00:03:00,710 --> 00:03:04,000
but I still felt the bass
clarinet player was cute.

83
00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:06,490
So the following year,
I begged to be withdrawn

84
00:03:06,490 --> 00:03:08,740
from school, and started home schooling.

85
00:03:08,740 --> 00:03:11,520
My plan was to isolate
myself from the world,

86
00:03:11,520 --> 00:03:14,080
from my friends, and from my family.

87
00:03:14,080 --> 00:03:15,650
Did it fix anything?

88
00:03:15,650 --> 00:03:18,030
No; all I had really accomplished

89
00:03:18,030 --> 00:03:19,580
was to make myself feel lonely.

90
00:03:21,110 --> 00:03:24,740
At 14 when I decided
(laughs) enough was enough,

91
00:03:24,740 --> 00:03:26,790
I thought I was ready to come out,

92
00:03:26,790 --> 00:03:27,810
to take a leap of faith

93
00:03:27,810 --> 00:03:30,210
in hope of living a more
honest life for myself

94
00:03:30,210 --> 00:03:33,030
but I couldn't have been more wrong.

95
00:03:33,030 --> 00:03:35,367
Shortly after shakily
uttering out the words

96
00:03:35,367 --> 00:03:37,150
"I'm gay" to my mother,

97
00:03:37,150 --> 00:03:39,170
I was put in a room
with our church leaders

98
00:03:39,170 --> 00:03:42,460
explaining to me the
consequences of taking this path.

99
00:03:42,460 --> 00:03:44,610
I would be disowned
forever from my family,

100
00:03:44,610 --> 00:03:45,883
from my friends,

101
00:03:45,883 --> 00:03:47,220
I would be cast out of my home

102
00:03:47,220 --> 00:03:49,970
and expected to start over
in my life from scratch.

103
00:03:49,970 --> 00:03:52,710
At 14, about to start high school,

104
00:03:52,710 --> 00:03:54,900
I obviously wasn't ready for that.

105
00:03:54,900 --> 00:03:56,230
So I lowered my head,

106
00:03:56,230 --> 00:03:57,260
took back my words,

107
00:03:57,260 --> 00:04:00,290
and continued on like
nothing had ever happened.

108
00:04:00,290 --> 00:04:02,500
Mine and my family's
reputation was at stake,

109
00:04:02,500 --> 00:04:04,010
and I had no where else to go,

110
00:04:04,010 --> 00:04:07,620
so I had to fly under the
radar and come up with a plan.

111
00:04:07,620 --> 00:04:08,890
Fast forward a few years

112
00:04:08,890 --> 00:04:13,500
and the summer of my
junior year it was time.

113
00:04:13,500 --> 00:04:15,170
My father and I had
started to form a closer

114
00:04:15,170 --> 00:04:17,650
relationship and he had offered to have me

115
00:04:17,650 --> 00:04:18,763
move into his home.

116
00:04:19,630 --> 00:04:22,110
That was my way out, and
I needed to take action.

117
00:04:22,110 --> 00:04:24,540
That same weekend, on Sunday after church,

118
00:04:24,540 --> 00:04:28,260
I took the biggest risk that
changed my life forever.

119
00:04:28,260 --> 00:04:30,190
I was back in the same room with my mother

120
00:04:30,190 --> 00:04:32,990
and the church leaders
as I was when I was 14,

121
00:04:32,990 --> 00:04:35,360
but this time, I wasn't going to back down

122
00:04:35,360 --> 00:04:37,163
and I would not take back my words;

123
00:04:38,400 --> 00:04:39,550
but neither would they.

124
00:04:40,560 --> 00:04:41,430
The next day,

125
00:04:41,430 --> 00:04:44,143
I moved out of my mother's
house and never looked back.

126
00:04:45,150 --> 00:04:47,630
There is always gonna
be a fork in the road

127
00:04:47,630 --> 00:04:50,250
where you have ask yourself, what now?

128
00:04:50,250 --> 00:04:52,220
That day I chose the road less traveled,

129
00:04:52,220 --> 00:04:53,300
and in doing so,

130
00:04:53,300 --> 00:04:55,300
taught myself the most valuable lesson

131
00:04:55,300 --> 00:04:57,000
I have ever learned.

132
00:04:57,000 --> 00:04:59,110
As long as you choose to
stay true to yourself,

133
00:04:59,110 --> 00:05:01,653
you have the power to overcome anything.

134
00:05:02,620 --> 00:05:06,010
The same summer I lost
everything, my life started.

135
00:05:06,010 --> 00:05:08,240
I won principal chair of
my local youth symphony,

136
00:05:08,240 --> 00:05:11,720
along with a scholarship to
start taking private lessons.

137
00:05:11,720 --> 00:05:13,820
I competed at the regional
level and qualified

138
00:05:13,820 --> 00:05:17,850
to complete at the state
level where I placed highly.

139
00:05:17,850 --> 00:05:19,780
I started traveling for music festivals,

140
00:05:19,780 --> 00:05:22,388
and won my very first concerto competition

141
00:05:22,388 --> 00:05:23,877
right here.

142
00:05:23,877 --> 00:05:24,710
- [Crowd] Whoo!

143
00:05:24,710 --> 00:05:27,050
- (laughs) Life stared
taking off on the new path,

144
00:05:27,050 --> 00:05:30,530
and it was starting to unfold
with every step I took.

145
00:05:30,530 --> 00:05:33,370
I had been pouring every
emotion into my instrument

146
00:05:33,370 --> 00:05:35,980
and using music to cope with
the injustices of my life,

147
00:05:35,980 --> 00:05:38,700
all while being unaware
that I was developing myself

148
00:05:38,700 --> 00:05:41,230
into an artist and a musician.

149
00:05:41,230 --> 00:05:42,910
And I was all of a sudden being surrounded

150
00:05:42,910 --> 00:05:45,000
by people who were accepting of me

151
00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:48,940
and my new ideas when
I needed it the most.

152
00:05:48,940 --> 00:05:50,190
I graduated high school,

153
00:05:50,190 --> 00:05:52,380
and a few months later I was working

154
00:05:52,380 --> 00:05:53,500
as a substitute horn player

155
00:05:53,500 --> 00:05:56,520
for the Newport Symphony
alongside my teacher at the time

156
00:05:56,520 --> 00:05:58,730
and the person who would become my teacher

157
00:05:58,730 --> 00:05:59,563
here at PSU.

158
00:06:00,400 --> 00:06:03,890
I was on track to start my
music performance degree

159
00:06:03,890 --> 00:06:05,270
on a scholarship and I couldn't (laughs)

160
00:06:05,270 --> 00:06:07,240
have been more grateful.

161
00:06:07,240 --> 00:06:10,290
I decided to take the risk
of discovering who I was,

162
00:06:10,290 --> 00:06:11,610
and I continued to be met

163
00:06:11,610 --> 00:06:13,940
with acceptance and encouragement.

164
00:06:13,940 --> 00:06:16,090
Now was that the end of the road?

165
00:06:16,090 --> 00:06:18,120
Absolutely not (laughs).

166
00:06:18,120 --> 00:06:19,000
It wasn't even close,

167
00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:21,083
but it was definitely a beginning.

168
00:06:22,460 --> 00:06:24,740
I continued to fall and get back up,

169
00:06:24,740 --> 00:06:25,930
sometimes because I jumped

170
00:06:25,930 --> 00:06:28,370
and sometimes because I was pushed;

171
00:06:28,370 --> 00:06:31,953
but each time, I emerged
as a more genuine self.

172
00:06:33,040 --> 00:06:35,130
Here's another story for you.

173
00:06:35,130 --> 00:06:36,100
At the end of each term

174
00:06:36,100 --> 00:06:38,140
we have what is called a jury;

175
00:06:38,140 --> 00:06:40,600
throughout the term you work on a piece,

176
00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:42,010
let's say Mozart,

177
00:06:42,010 --> 00:06:44,310
and you present it to a panel of judges

178
00:06:44,310 --> 00:06:47,210
and they mark your progress
and give you a grade.

179
00:06:47,210 --> 00:06:48,050
During these juries,

180
00:06:48,050 --> 00:06:50,450
I viewed them as my time to shine.

181
00:06:50,450 --> 00:06:52,470
I get a moment to present
myself and my ideas

182
00:06:52,470 --> 00:06:53,890
the way that I would like to,

183
00:06:53,890 --> 00:06:56,370
so of course I always wear
something extravagant,

184
00:06:56,370 --> 00:06:58,410
much like my outfit tonight.

185
00:06:58,410 --> 00:07:00,170
Now it isn't every day that you

186
00:07:00,170 --> 00:07:01,950
see a male horn player with anything

187
00:07:01,950 --> 00:07:04,220
other than slacks, a button up

188
00:07:04,220 --> 00:07:05,550
and a blazer.

189
00:07:05,550 --> 00:07:08,110
But there I was in a pair of women's shoes

190
00:07:08,110 --> 00:07:09,560
embroidered pants and a frilly shirt

191
00:07:09,560 --> 00:07:10,733
playing my Mozart.

192
00:07:11,600 --> 00:07:13,890
Now I got an A, but afterwards,

193
00:07:13,890 --> 00:07:15,970
I was told by my private instructor

194
00:07:15,970 --> 00:07:18,980
that some of the panel
members had some concerns.

195
00:07:18,980 --> 00:07:19,813
They had asked him,

196
00:07:19,813 --> 00:07:21,450
if Santi had a job interview,

197
00:07:21,450 --> 00:07:22,760
don't you think he would wear something

198
00:07:22,760 --> 00:07:24,750
a little more professional?

199
00:07:24,750 --> 00:07:26,150
Fair question right?

200
00:07:26,150 --> 00:07:28,497
My teacher quickly remarked though

201
00:07:28,497 --> 00:07:29,560
(laughs) no.

202
00:07:29,560 --> 00:07:30,450
If they did require that,

203
00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:31,773
he wouldn't take the job.

204
00:07:32,820 --> 00:07:35,200
My drive to be my most genuine self

205
00:07:35,200 --> 00:07:37,750
was being questioned once again,

206
00:07:37,750 --> 00:07:40,510
but now I had allies to stand by me

207
00:07:40,510 --> 00:07:42,793
without me having to ask them to do so.

208
00:07:43,790 --> 00:07:46,810
The world of music that
so genuinely saved my life

209
00:07:46,810 --> 00:07:49,140
so many years ago became my new family

210
00:07:50,800 --> 00:07:53,160
that protected me and nurtured me into

211
00:07:53,160 --> 00:07:54,570
becoming the person that I am

212
00:07:54,570 --> 00:07:56,310
standing in front of you today.

213
00:07:56,310 --> 00:07:59,260
A queer, brown, first generation American

214
00:07:59,260 --> 00:08:02,310
who is able to, and will
continue to be able to

215
00:08:02,310 --> 00:08:03,913
live out his impossible dreams.

216
00:08:05,180 --> 00:08:07,690
Now since I have you
trapped (laughs) I'm going

217
00:08:07,690 --> 00:08:09,760
to share with you one more thing.

218
00:08:09,760 --> 00:08:11,320
I'm going to have you listen to the

219
00:08:11,320 --> 00:08:13,220
Adagio for Strings by Samuel Barber

220
00:08:13,220 --> 00:08:16,420
recorded by myself and my
brass quintet here at PSU.

221
00:08:16,420 --> 00:08:18,447
Unfortunately they
weren't able to make it,

222
00:08:18,447 --> 00:08:22,010
and this piece really
helped me get through

223
00:08:22,010 --> 00:08:24,360
one of the darkest times of my life.

224
00:08:24,360 --> 00:08:25,740
If you've heard this piece that's great

225
00:08:25,740 --> 00:08:27,390
and if you haven't, that's even better,

226
00:08:27,390 --> 00:08:30,740
because I want to teach you
how I listen to this piece,

227
00:08:30,740 --> 00:08:32,640
so that we can all share this moment

228
00:08:32,640 --> 00:08:34,383
on a much deeper level.

229
00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:38,050
I want you to close your
eyes and think of the person

230
00:08:38,050 --> 00:08:40,610
that hurt you the most in this world.

231
00:08:40,610 --> 00:08:42,770
Take a moment, visualize them,

232
00:08:42,770 --> 00:08:45,413
even if it's difficult
and remember their pain.

233
00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:49,243
For me, that person was my mother.

234
00:08:50,080 --> 00:08:51,450
She told me that she would rather die

235
00:08:51,450 --> 00:08:52,983
than see me become who I was.

236
00:08:53,890 --> 00:08:56,710
I knew in that moment that
even if she didn't die,

237
00:08:56,710 --> 00:09:00,023
to be truly happy I was
going to have to lose my mom.

238
00:09:01,440 --> 00:09:04,430
The beginning of this
piece represents that pain,

239
00:09:04,430 --> 00:09:06,730
where everything feels
hopeless and like you have

240
00:09:06,730 --> 00:09:09,160
no where to go; but life never stops,

241
00:09:09,160 --> 00:09:11,800
and at some point you have
take that leap of faith.

242
00:09:11,800 --> 00:09:13,480
I don't have to tell
you when that point is

243
00:09:13,480 --> 00:09:15,480
because you'll feel it in the music.

244
00:09:15,480 --> 00:09:17,730
Unfortunately, the pain
never does go away,

245
00:09:17,730 --> 00:09:19,060
but just like the music,

246
00:09:19,060 --> 00:09:20,540
life goes on.

247
00:09:20,540 --> 00:09:21,373
Enjoy.

248
00:09:22,238 --> 00:09:25,238
(somber horn music)

249
00:15:38,250 --> 00:15:40,428
Thank you.
(applause)

250
00:15:40,428 --> 00:15:43,428
(upbeat jazz music)